Thursday, August 12, 2010

Another Day of Desperation Here on Earth

I'm not very interested in why. Though I'm sure I have my reasons.

Everyone has their reasons.

But I often feel desperate. It is not a comfortable or comforting feeling. It leads to lonely. Desperate is so non-fun. There are no Desperate Pride parades.

I have paid attention to it for a very long time, longer than some of my friends have been alive. I've done the work. I'm doing the work. The work has dialled it up! Bring it on!! I said so. I asked for it. I got it.

I'm in it.

It feels so useless and I get lost in that too. The uselessness of me. Why feel so much? Why feel this way? Whistle a happy tune. Choose happiness. Do yoga. Eat fruit. Be thankful. I.e. useless, i.e. me = useless, i.e. fuck off.

There is more. There are my children and trees and dogs and Tim Horton's iced cappuccinos and sex and disco and my red velvet shirt. I get those too and good for me that I can.

How can anyone not feel desperate? It feels like such an obvious response to me. But I am always astounded by the invisibility of the obvious. (To me; I know.)

I watched that video, How To Be Alone. It's lovely.

I should make a video entitled, How To Be Desperate. AKA: Sit In Your Shit. I used to hope for a cure but now it feels like my life's work and, if there's one thing I've learned since being born in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, in 1961, work is considered useful. Pretty/prideful or not, useful/useless or not, I'm using my desperation and doing my fucking work.

7 comments:

  1. Love you, love your work, love your realness, love our parallels.

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  2. Coincidentally, I just came across Russell Smith's critique of How To Be Alone.

    http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/arts/russell-smith/youtube-video-about-being-alone-is-anti-feminist-retrograde/article1669519/

    I think he's missing something deeper. There is a deep felt sense of disconnection, not remedied by intellectual discussions of histology or electoral reform.

    I didn't take the video as some moony lost-romance thing but as a contemplation on how to live in a difficult, disconnected world. I don't think disconnection is a feminist issue, it's a global human issue. But I often think men, with their focus on fixing and explaining and doing, have not only caused the problem but don't even know it is there. Smith's piece sadly reconfirms this.

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  3. Tasha, I've been visiting your blog, reading and interested in what you're up to. Missed your presence this past summer. Thank you for the link - the video is beautiful.

    I'd be interested in chatting with you sometime, as I'm curious about your reactions to my proposed project - a discourse analysis, looking at the damaging ways we talk about education. I believe we have similar goals, but differing methods. Let me know if you'd be open to it.

    I wish you all the best... been following your Fringe reviews. Your effectiveness is undeniable.

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  4. I really like that 'How to Be Alone' video, too. Someone posted a link to it on facebook about a week or so ago. I think that our society is too uncomfortable with being alone, and loneliness, when really time alone can be fulfilling and nourishing. It's all about balance. Human-beings need interaction, but they also need to be alone and to be independent beings as well. Being single pretty well all my life, I get this. It almost scares me to lose my free time if I get into a relationship!

    But yes, it's a global issue, not just a feminist issue. There are lonely men out there, too.

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  5. Hi Tasha

    It's Jane, who you met at the Calgary Fringe (Del's friend. I'm still telling my friends about the show - but it's hard when they weren't there, and can't quite conceive how somebody could do what you do without it all being about sex.
    I wanted to let you know too that after the first show, I could imagine myself up there on stage naked - I'm not quite ready to do it, but the imagining was interesting. So who knows where all this will go.
    I very much admire that you have the humanity to talk about your desperation and sadness - even in the show, you could talk about the feelings you were having right at the moment. I think our culture first doesn't like to talk about feelings, unless they are happy ones, and secondly, we are not taught to identify feelings. It has taken me a long time to be able to admit to people if I'm not having a great day - people don't want to know, even though we all ask the question "How are you?". I can now search my feelings and actually answer the question more honestly. I think we need to develop the skills of acknowledging people's emotions, whatever they are. So I want to acknowledge that you have times when things aren't all that good - and I'm not even going to try to talk you out of them! I totally hate being told how I'm supposed to feel (as in "You shouldn't be angry anymore"). So you just go ahead and feel what you're feeling!
    I will also say that what you are doing is changing things, bit by bit - like what a lot of us are trying to do - to acknowledge our humanity, in all it's glory and agony.

    Hope it was interesting in Edmonton at their Fringe.

    Later

    Jane

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  6. I apologize JRO and Jane. I am terrible at logistics and have only just read your comments. JRO, I'd be open to talking with you all these months later if you still need that. Jane, thank you.

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