Help Keith?/Reading Blog Posts 2: "Porn/Non-Porn"

I hope anyone reading this will consider helping out a beautiful person and member of the Victoria downtown street art scene and a longtime Human Body Project community member.

My dear friend Keith Jenkins, 61, had open heart surgery in the fall. He's still unable to work and needs rest. Keith is one of many Canadians who lives from pay cheque to pay cheque and has very little savings.

I know everyone is sending money every which way and it's that spending time of year. But if you have even a little to help Keith, please do!

The one and only Keith!

Here's the funding web address:

https://www.youcaring.com/keith-jenkins-649425










Also, here's the latest YouTube video of me reading my blog posts.

Reading Blog Posts 2: "Porn/Non-Porn" (posted Feb. 27, 2006)



I'm following a creative impulse and recording myself reading my blog. We'll see where it takes me...

Here's the link to the original post http://www.humanbodyproject.org/2006/02/pornnon-porn.html

VP of College Arrested for Child Porn: One of the Broken Trusts That Litter Our Landscape

I have been very busy since returning home from my Human Body Project tour and I have been processing my experiences like crazy. This morning I was thinking today might be the day I finally get around to sharing some of my new and beautiful (yay!) and inspiring (double yay!) insights.

And I may or may not do that here... maybe I'll just say I've moved from desperate to cheerful for a fair while which is a nice switch. A couple of women who were at Human Body Project events in Victoria talked about the experience as being liberating in a joyful sense. To which, I thought, no it isn't (I mean not for me). But in ways it would take me to long to explain, their appearance and energy and expression, as well as many others', has helped me move into a more liberated way of being. I want to say how grateful I am to all the beautiful people I met or spent time with in Calgary, Edmonton, and Victoria. The reverberations continue.

I will continue with Barb's testimony (previous blog post) soon.

What I want to focus on today is really up for me right now and has really shaken me and is very painful. In July, before I left Lethbridge, the longtime, recently retired vice-president of Lethbridge College, where I work, was arrested and charged with possessing, accessing and distributing child pornography. The examples reported were described as pre-teen hard core and the reported ages of the children involved ranged from 2-11 years old.

Though apparently an email from the president went around (my office mates and I, all casual instructors, don't remember receiving one) and, though the arrest was reported in the news, which I don't follow, I never heard a word about it until this past weekend.

As an aside, a comparative example: when an instructor was fired several years ago for having affairs with a few students, all of whom were over 18 (I believe they were all even over 21; I'm pretty sure there were only four of them and that no grades were involved) it was a topic of conversation and I got a steady stream of emails about issues relating to his indiscretions. (By the way, the currently charged ex-VP was LC's pointman to basically vilify the instructor who challenged the firing and is back teaching at LC.)

Of course, I was very disturbed and shocked by the allegations against the VP. But it wasn't until today when I finally had time to google the news reports ("Richard Buis charges" will do it) that I really became upset.

The news reports in early July quoted Tracy Edwards, LC college president, as saying:

"The college is deeply concerned about these charges; we participated in the confidential police investigation in the spring. We became involved because Rick is alleged to have kept some of the illegal material on his college laptop computer.

Members of the Senior Leadership Team are reviewing the situation and we do not believe there has been any activity that has put our staff, students or the reputation of the College at risk. The college has clear policies related to illegal or inappropriate use of college property, including computer equipment. It is not practical, nor do we believe it is appropriate, to closely monitor all college computer use. Our approach is to investigate when there is cause for concern. That being said, our computer and Internet use policies are in the process of being reviewed and updated.

I am sorry to report this disturbing and regrettable news. Lethbridge College is no different from other institutions in that we are made up of human beings who have issues in their personal lives. At times like this we need to rely on our values of trust and respect to guide our actions, and remind ourselves of the importance of maintaining a safe, positive, collaborative and sustaining environment for all students, staff and faculty members."

This statement really threw me. I cannot get past sexual abuse of real 2-11 year-old children being equated with "issues in our personal lives" or "regrettable news" or college computer security issues. How do we not mention the 2-11-year-olds that we all read about and get back to a safe, trusting, positive, collaborative environment? That's when I felt like I had been kicked in the guts. To me, saying nothing would have been better than this crafted response.

I emailed the president to ask her if I could talk to her in person about my very strong reaction to it. I didn't actually wait to check for her reply (which was pretty dismissive when I did read it) because I was sobbing in my office and decided to take that pain to hers.

What I ask myself is how bad does it have to get before the reaction goes from corporate to human? If Tracy Edwards is the corporate face of Lethbridge College--which, really, is her job and every other college president's job--who is the human face?

I was not calm in Tracy Edwards's office. I told her I was there because, from my perspective, Rick was an elder in our community who had betrayed all of us. And the community needed healing.

She reminded me that he no longer works at the college (he resigned in April, after being at the college for more than 20 years, with accolades from her accompanying his resignation as I recall) and that he is innocent until proven guilty (his court date is on Thursday). She also basically said the leadership team thought it best to move on because the damage is done.

This is the part I find most disturbing: she said I am the only person who has come forward to complain about the college's response, which, she felt indicated that there is no need for a different approach.

It must have been horrible for her to find out about this guy she has been working with for many years. And I appreciate that knowing what to do must have been a very tough call. But I can't agree with her--except for the incredible fact that I am the only one who has said anything!

This is not something that should be moved on from. Even if he is not guilty, I would have said the college community needs to grieve the very real feeling of deep betrayal and the possible horror of sexual abuse of small children by a supposedly trusted and respected leader of the institution. (I will not hear the argument that users don't actually abuse children in pornography--these are real children.) If, as we are constantly notified at-all-news-is-good-news LC, we are a community, shouldn't we actually be one? I believe the grief of this must be addressed as a community and those 2-11-year-old children must be honoured.

I also wonder about stuff like how to continue working there and who is the human face of any institution and the broken trusts that litter our landscape...

I Am A Sex Goddess (Sometimes)

I write this blog to share myself in a way I don't feel permitted to in my "real life" and to offer a connection to other people who may also find themselves unable to come out of various closets. I also write to expand human dialogue. I am primarily motivated as a mother. Before I became a mother, yes, I was a feeling, sensitive person but I allowed myself to mask it with cynicism. I just don't feel comfortable in that mode anymore.
Real sexuality is something I don't often discuss with anyone, not even my husband, the guy I have great sex with. I am embarrassed and I am probably over-prudishly not interested in titillation; there is, for me, no in-between, no comfortable place to discuss this part of who I am. But, God knows, we need more health in this world around sex. And, I know, healthy sex can be very healing. So the good news in my sexuality department is that my husband and I have really great sex. Like many working parents, it is not "all the time" like I often wished for as a horny, mostly single gal in my 20s and 30s. But whenever we do get it together it's always a revelation. We're a good match.
As soon as I wrote this I thought of people reading it and I feel all sorts of uncomfortable feelings. Most of them related to me imagining they are thinking how can such an attractive guy have sex with such a tired old crabby flat-chested hag? See, there's the bad news already. I have a hard time reconciling my unfortunate image of myself to the sex goddess that I sometimes am.
I never wake up in the morning after a night of great lovemaking thinking: I am a sex goddess. I barely even think about sex (unlike my 20s and 30s) until I find myself doing it. I don't allow myself to bask in that revelatory, expansive feeling that I get for free as part of my marriage. I mean, really, I do get that it's a big bonus, so what's my fucking problem?
So much of not allowing myself this opportunity is part of a habit or learned way of being joy deprived that I suppose I am always up against. Part is about self-image, part is about tiredness, and part is about discomfort with letting my mind ramble along in sexuality-land--there are so many minefields of self-judgment there! I'm a fucking prude, for God's sake! I am a person who has never looked at Internet porn or gone to a porn store. I'm not sure, since I don't talk about this stuff, but I think in this day and age I must be a rarity, right? I find much porn and the idea of porn offensive but maybe there's something fun there too? Just the thought of watching people having sex makes me unbelievably uncomfortable, partly or maybe mostly because one of my feelings will probably be arousal. I feel like I couldn't just enjoy that feeling; I'd be thinking too many other analytical and self-critical thoughts.
As a longtime single gal for most of my adult life, I yearned for touch and love and sex. I was not one of those women who got all luxurious about pleasuring themselves, however. No, I was more of the school of: get drunk, have a one-night stand, repent for several months, repeat. In other words (surprise, surprise): fucked up.
I must return again to the good news: I now have a healthy marriage with a loving man. Since my 40s (contrary to every message breathed into us by the culture), I've been having the best sex of my life. Maybe in a future blog I will write about what "best sex" looks like (it's not all g-spots and sex toys, people; it's about attitude and process). I still struggle with the basic problem of integrating joy. But the news is pretty good, really.

Porn/Non-porn

One of the reasons that I want to present my naked body to be looked at is because I hate porn. Writing that, I feel the need to expand about what I mean by “I hate porn.” But before I do, let me say more about presenting my body as a non-porn item.

As I’ve mentioned, I’m 44 years old. My breasts are small. My legs and bum are flabby. I have a caesarean scar. Etc. I will not be acting like I want it, baby. I will not be posing. I will be feeling emotions that I will not make a big effort to hide. I’m using myself because a) I have a body; b) hiring someone else to do it would completely alter the reality and emotions of the situation; and c) I am dying to see non-pornified human bodies represented (I begin to foresee the direction this project will take…) I want to see people with flaws who are not trying to manipulate my weaknesses to sell me something.

Which brings me to why I hate porn. As the hater-of-self that I was/am, I know too well what trying to look and be like something desirable did to me. And that was before the Internet and the normalization of porn. I knew I was fat (I wasn’t). I knew I was flat (I was, but I eventually learned that not every man, contrary to the predominance of images available, is obsessed with large breasts). I knew in some way, my looks were not quite right (I didn’t look like the models I compared myself to). I felt unlovable and freakish for my complete inability to be what I thought men liked: someone who was never too much.

Luckily, for me, in 70s Calgary and in my weirdness and non-cutesiness, I didn’t feel a whole lot of pressure to be sexual before I was ready. But we’re in the pornified 2000s now. Even if really explicit, really specific, really available porn did not exist, which, of course, it does, the images we all see everywhere are frequently about sexualizing young women and girls.

What about that really explicit, really specific, really available porn, then? Well, it’s not really real, is it? It’s beyond cliché to note that many women (and men) in porn, are not from your luckiest realm of society. They may not actually be having a good time. That girl on your monitor (or giving you a lap dance) is not actually, sorry to break this to you, sooooo horneeeeee for you now!!!!!!!
I’m not a prude and I’m not pro-censorship. I also believe you gotta do what you gotta do. So if anal gang-bang sites are your thing or if you’d rather pay for a lap grind than go home to the wife and kids, I can’t do much about it. May I humbly suggest, though, that the world holds more love for you than you are willing to allow yourself?

And while I’m at it, can I just show you a human body over here? Nope, not what you might call super sexy, but loveable nonetheless. I’m going to die one day. Just like you. I’ve got some drooping bits and wrinkles. If you don’t have them now, you will. And I don’t actually feel comfortable exposing my naked body. You, too, experience discomfort about yourself.

I completely deplore how we deny our own humanity and the humanity of others and how that shows up so much in what we see represented. And, as the mother of a four-year-old girl, I fiercely hate the way our mercantile, adult garbage pollutes the sexual awakening of children. With my flabby, imperfect body, I’m making my own small stand for humanity and real adulthood. I am a grown up human. And I look like it.