Thursday, August 12, 2010

Another Day of Desperation Here on Earth

I'm not very interested in why. Though I'm sure I have my reasons.

Everyone has their reasons.

But I often feel desperate. It is not a comfortable or comforting feeling. It leads to lonely. Desperate is so non-fun. There are no Desperate Pride parades.

I have paid attention to it for a very long time, longer than some of my friends have been alive. I've done the work. I'm doing the work. The work has dialled it up! Bring it on!! I said so. I asked for it. I got it.

I'm in it.

It feels so useless and I get lost in that too. The uselessness of me. Why feel so much? Why feel this way? Whistle a happy tune. Choose happiness. Do yoga. Eat fruit. Be thankful. I.e. useless, i.e. me = useless, i.e. fuck off.

There is more. There are my children and trees and dogs and Tim Horton's iced cappuccinos and sex and disco and my red velvet shirt. I get those too and good for me that I can.

How can anyone not feel desperate? It feels like such an obvious response to me. But I am always astounded by the invisibility of the obvious. (To me; I know.)

I watched that video, How To Be Alone. It's lovely.

I should make a video entitled, How To Be Desperate. AKA: Sit In Your Shit. I used to hope for a cure but now it feels like my life's work and, if there's one thing I've learned since being born in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, in 1961, work is considered useful. Pretty/prideful or not, useful/useless or not, I'm using my desperation and doing my fucking work.


  1. Love you, love your work, love your realness, love our parallels.

  2. Coincidentally, I just came across Russell Smith's critique of How To Be Alone.

    I think he's missing something deeper. There is a deep felt sense of disconnection, not remedied by intellectual discussions of histology or electoral reform.

    I didn't take the video as some moony lost-romance thing but as a contemplation on how to live in a difficult, disconnected world. I don't think disconnection is a feminist issue, it's a global human issue. But I often think men, with their focus on fixing and explaining and doing, have not only caused the problem but don't even know it is there. Smith's piece sadly reconfirms this.

  3. Tasha, I've been visiting your blog, reading and interested in what you're up to. Missed your presence this past summer. Thank you for the link - the video is beautiful.

    I'd be interested in chatting with you sometime, as I'm curious about your reactions to my proposed project - a discourse analysis, looking at the damaging ways we talk about education. I believe we have similar goals, but differing methods. Let me know if you'd be open to it.

    I wish you all the best... been following your Fringe reviews. Your effectiveness is undeniable.

  4. I really like that 'How to Be Alone' video, too. Someone posted a link to it on facebook about a week or so ago. I think that our society is too uncomfortable with being alone, and loneliness, when really time alone can be fulfilling and nourishing. It's all about balance. Human-beings need interaction, but they also need to be alone and to be independent beings as well. Being single pretty well all my life, I get this. It almost scares me to lose my free time if I get into a relationship!

    But yes, it's a global issue, not just a feminist issue. There are lonely men out there, too.

  5. Hi Tasha

    It's Jane, who you met at the Calgary Fringe (Del's friend. I'm still telling my friends about the show - but it's hard when they weren't there, and can't quite conceive how somebody could do what you do without it all being about sex.
    I wanted to let you know too that after the first show, I could imagine myself up there on stage naked - I'm not quite ready to do it, but the imagining was interesting. So who knows where all this will go.
    I very much admire that you have the humanity to talk about your desperation and sadness - even in the show, you could talk about the feelings you were having right at the moment. I think our culture first doesn't like to talk about feelings, unless they are happy ones, and secondly, we are not taught to identify feelings. It has taken me a long time to be able to admit to people if I'm not having a great day - people don't want to know, even though we all ask the question "How are you?". I can now search my feelings and actually answer the question more honestly. I think we need to develop the skills of acknowledging people's emotions, whatever they are. So I want to acknowledge that you have times when things aren't all that good - and I'm not even going to try to talk you out of them! I totally hate being told how I'm supposed to feel (as in "You shouldn't be angry anymore"). So you just go ahead and feel what you're feeling!
    I will also say that what you are doing is changing things, bit by bit - like what a lot of us are trying to do - to acknowledge our humanity, in all it's glory and agony.

    Hope it was interesting in Edmonton at their Fringe.



  6. I apologize JRO and Jane. I am terrible at logistics and have only just read your comments. JRO, I'd be open to talking with you all these months later if you still need that. Jane, thank you.