Fires+Cancerversary Action Sun Aug 26 3-4 pm Quadra near Pandora

Fire$, tree$. $orry, not $orry.

I hope everyone who is reading this can breathe.

August 26th will mark the third anniversary of being admitted to hospital with what turned out to be Stage 4 ladybits cancer (ovarian, fallopian, too difficult to be sure).

So I'm holding a...

Cancerversary+Fires Action
Sunday, August 26
3-4pm
Quadra St near Pandora, Victoria, BC

This action will entail a performance of what I'm dubbing an Atrocity Cheer.
I'll be in my version of cheerleader garb, complete with pompoms.
All are welcome.

Facebook event

I'm still breathing.

30% to 50% of those in my schmancer boat are still alive after five years. I do plan to continue to be in that number even though I feel quite sure I landed on an incorrect planet, or at least an incorrect time period on this one. Having landed here though, I've made some heart connections and whatnot so I've gotta do the time.

To recap, I've been holding the Monthly Actions / Acts of Disruption+Resistance / Vulnerability Vigils for more than six years, doing the performance artwork under the umbrella of the Human Body Project for more than 12, and, while cancer sucked, the intense emotional pain that I've come to identify with being on the wrong planet has been a longer and harder road since about age 12 on.

When I had the idea for the Human Body Project in 2004 (it took me two years to get the courage up to be naked), the main reason I felt compelled to do the work and chose the overarching theme of vulnerability was because everything I felt was important and URGENT was nowhere to be found in any accessible discourse I could enter into.

Lately, many of the conversations that were impossible to imagine people having are finally happening in a much more open way: the severe pain and cost of capitalism; non-binary distinctions; systemic corruption, violence, racism and misogyny; the ongoing effects of colonialism; ongoing colonialism; etc. Or at least that's how it looks to me in my self-curated social media feeds.

Dots are finally being connected. Compartments are being pried open. The dark layers are becoming visible.

So I've been confused. Should I still follow the impetus that has taken me this far? Like, do I still have my unpaid, embarrassing job?! Haha.

NON-TRANSCENDENT. It recently dawned on me that this word describes my work.

It helped me realize it is still an important artistic statement in the sense that it's SUPPOSED TO BE grounding and extreme in the grinding and excruciating here and now.

I do still have my cop-magnet, buzz-kill job!

Link to Saanich News story about last month's action:
https://www.saanichnews.com/news/naked-roadside-protest-stopped-outside-camp-namegans/

Support? Hey, I recently won an award for my show Naked Ugly Dancing at the Montreal Fringe but the money from my award and ticket sales did not even cover my plane fare. If you'd like to support this work by, say, buying me the equivalent of a latte or two once a month or even once please consider checking out my Patreon site.
https://www.patreon.com/humanbodyproject

Montreal Fringe Award; Patreon; 31/7 Action

I had a super-duper time at the Montreal Fringe in June and I won the juried MainLine Theatre (hosts of the fringe) Creativity Award! 

Thank you Montreal Fringe! Funnest fringe!

It was particularly meaningful for two reasons. One, because of the words the lovely Geoff Agombar, juror and G.M., spoke when honouring me:

"In a space with no limits, we nonetheless carry limits in ourselves, play roles, seek confirmation. Our winner is a show that isn't comfortable in its contradictions and cares so deeply it just can't give a fuck! Fierce nonchalance and the full power of extreme vulnerability: it challenges everything we believe about theatre and undermines all hierarchies. It is the ultimate feminist act and the ultimate act of fringe." (I feel a bit like Sally Field: You value me! You really value me!)

And two, because the two shows that were runners-up were stellar; both deeply feeling and intellectual. Devon More's Flute Loops and Ulfet Sevdi and Nicholas Royer-Artuso's 4'33" in Baghdad. 4'33" in Baghdad is my favourite fringe show that I have ever seen. A sardonic but heartful academic addresses imperialism and atrocity through the lens of musicology. Dry wit and brilliant. Unfortunately their fringe run is over but Devon is bringing Flute Loops to Winnipeg, Calgary, Edmonton and Vancouver Fringes. If you have the chance, see it!

I came home with pneumonia, though, and that is why my July offering is happening so late. (And I'm counting the Montreal Fringe as June actions!)

Monthly Act of Disruption and Resistance (aka Vulnerability Vigil)July 31, 201812 noon-1 pm

Near Regina Park homeless camp (near Uptown Mall on the Trans-Canada highway), Victoria, BC 

Our nation's continued persecution+prosecution of the vulnerable+impoverished is an atrocity. Showing up for my Monthly Act of Disruption and Resistance near Victoria's newest tent city is my artistic response to the disgust+despair I feel living as a privileged, complicit person in a money-laundering economy that creates brutal homelessness.

I will be wearing my new Monthly Actions uniform of inside out menstrual pads covering my genital area. 

Perhaps you feel some of the extremity and intensity I experience and want to join me; all are welcome to join in the spirit of solidarity and respect for those who are most vulnerable. Wear what you want. (I can possibly change the time for later in the day if noon doesn't work for you.) 

Facebook event

Also, I have created a page in the Patreon.com community, where artists get paid for their work. You could figuratively buy me a beer or two every month. Please consider subscribing! I will send you a t-shirt! https://www.patreon.com/humanbodyproject

Here is my Patreon video as well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRoFfWbZJ4s&t=11s

Thanks for "listening," Tasha

Vulnerability Vigil for Keith, Sun, Sept 18, 3-4 pm, Government&Wharf Sts, Victoria

Keith Jenkins at a Vulnerability Vigil, December 2015

Vulnerability Vigil for Keith
Sunday, September 18
3-4 pm
Government and Wharf Streets--where Keith often dances
Victoria

Keith Jenkins is in the Royal Jubilee Hospital about to undergo open heart surgery. He was on his way to work out when his doctor phoned him to say he needed to admit himself immediately. They told him they didn't know why he hadn't already keeled over kaput!

Thanks to the pressing of his girlfriend, Emilie, he had gone in for an electrocardiogram earlier. He hadn't felt too bad, just a little dizziness and shortness of breath. For the workout, he was planning to do "75%." Only Keith!

Over the years, hundreds of people have participated in Human Body Project performances and Vulnerability Vigils on the street. But there is no one who embodies the spirit of the project more than Keith Jenkins. I could summarize the project is to say everybody should be like Keith.

Keith is part Cree and grew up in an orphanage. One way I explain to myself how Keith is Keithlike is that maybe he was let be enough to raise himself as himself without the various expectations that hinder most of us. I have never met a person so untainted by the ego regulations of this culture.

Maybe you know Keith as THE artist model of Victoria. The man in thousands of drawings and paintings. Or maybe you've seen Keith downtown in one his costumes, dancing in the street. This is a guy who will make every day a festival. Or maybe you've seen him joining me for Vulnerability Vigils. Then you know he is a man of great heart.

On Sunday, I'm holding a Vulnerability Vigil to honour and send healing energy to that great heart.

Keith won't be able to work for a while after his surgery. Besides himself, Keith also has two sons in their 20s whom he helps support. A funding page is in the works (created by another friend), so stay tuned. We will collect money at the vigil, as well.

Please join me to honour and support Keith Jenkins:

Vulnerability Vigil for Keith
Sunday, September 18
3-4 pm
Government and Wharf Streets--where Keith often dances
Victoria

What is a Vulnerability Vigil?

HBP 2: A Surprise Success

Funnily enough, my husband and I were having lunch yesterday before the event and talking about what we learned growing up in each of our families. His family's motto might have been: ALWAYS BE SAFE!!!!! And mine would have been: YOU MUST BE SUCCESSFUL!!!!!

Success in my family back then meant money and status, big house, nice car, good grades, fancy degree, etc.--measurable and obvious. By these standards, last night's Human Body Project event was not a success. Besides two reporters and the ten people who were helping me, only nine other people showed up (ten if you include an infant).

Odd and surprising. For the first event I was pretty convinced no one would come. For this one, I was freaking out that there would be a crowd scene because so many people had told me they were coming and bringing friends. As I said last night, I was spared that particular freak-out.

Besides dealing with being naked, one of the things that I experienced intensely at both events is a sense of responsibility for the experience the audience is having. I'm pretty sure I've written about my over-responsibility issues somewhere in these blogs. I'm female and the eldest child and I think it goes with the territory. But how useless a burden it is.

At the first event I suppose I had the overwhelming nature of the event--more than 70 people; my first time standing naked; strong group energy--to carry me beyond that worry. But for this one, here I am in what looks like a large, empty room when only 20 or so people are in it (including the two reporters who travelled especially from Calgary) and I'm trying to think, how do I salvage this for them all? YOU MUST BE SUCCESSUL IN A MEASURABLE AND OBVIOUS WAY!!!!!

Success=large numbers of people having an intense experience.

In my real life, I would try to make people feel at ease and I would chat. Sometimes I catch myself at this and think--what the fuck? Why do I think it is my frickin job to make the world feel at ease? Ironic, hey? Since my project is about discomfort and all.

Last night a voice kept coming to me: just be here. I know, I know, you've heard it before. But the phrase helped me. I let myself move past wondering how to fix the experience for those who were there. At the first event, it felt important to connect with the people in the audience. I made a lot of eye contact and eventually went around the room and got close to people. Last night, that didn't seem like what needed to happen. As I let go of feeling responsible for the audience's experience I was able to have a very deep experience myself.

I felt unbelievably grounded and strong, like a tree rooted to the earth. I have never felt that strong and still. As a yoga practitioner I have made intentions to connect with that feeling of groundedness but last night's feeling was so available. I also felt a lovely connection to the being growing inside me, something I have rarely been able to feel during this pregnancy of perpetual poisoning. It was a deeply peaceful experience for me when I could have made it a stressful one.

To me, this is real success! I experienced a form of self-love! I did that!

I'll admit that afterward I said to my husband: maybe the Human Body Project is just about (expensive) therapy for me. Last night sure seemed like that. (But some of my helpers said they also felt peaceful. I haven't looked at comments from other audience members yet. But probably not everyone thinks the way I was trained: YOU MUST BE SUCCESSUL IN A MEASURABLE AND OBVIOUS WAY!!!!!)

One of the things I love about these events is that no one knows what's going to happen. While only nine paying customers may seem like a bust, I just don't see it that way. I think it would have been really hard on me if the crowd I was expecting showed up. After last night I actually feel far more able to handle a crowd if I do ever get one.

I still have faith in the project. Yes, it's therapy for me. I also believe it will reach people as it needs to. I'm not sure what kind of experience people had last night and I'm not sure what kind of experience they were looking for and, I realize, how can I ever know those things or be responsible for them anyway? For those who were there last night, I thank you again for the experience I had.

On Being a Needy Asshole

The other day, in email conversation with a friend I hadn't spoken with in a while, I painfully recollected a memory of myself as a needy asshole. This led to lists of needy asshole recollections.

As I write this the discomfort of these memories and the feeling of overwhelming neediness comes back to me and I feel somewhat paralyzed to recount them.

I am less of a needy asshole than I once was. This is not because I am not needy. First of all, I have big news, which would have been useful for me to learn at a young age, but I was forced to learn this one the hard way: being needy is human. So, yes, I am still needy. But I am less needy and I am more able to ASK for what I need.

Along the way I got the message that being needy was unattractive, pathetic and just plain BAD. But, of course, since I was human, those pesky needs just kept showing up. Needs bad, but needs won't go away... I decided (not what you would call consciously) that I would figure out another way of getting my needs met: passive agression, whining, guilt, submission, mooching, etc. All these tactics sort of worked only in that I thought I wasn't showing how needy I was (which would be BAD but which was sadly obvious, if only energetically). For instance, one of my clever ways to get men to like me (a need) was to act like I didn't need anything, especially love, and it helped that I didn't think I deserved anything anyway. Oh yeah, that one worked really well--I was an unparallelled man repeller/lousy man chooser.

As a struggling artist, I was often broke and really on my own without any typical support structures. I moved a lot. I house-sat. I slept on couches, etc. On the one hand I was ashamed of my predicament. On the other, I expected people to feel sorry for me. I sometimes outstayed my welcome because I couldn't figure out what my next move would be. I might complain about the art world or the difficulty of being an artist but I was never able to honestly and simply say how scary it was to live so out on the edge.

My asshole-neediness was so much about shame and not feeling able to say what was really going on with me. I really needed to be taken care of but that just seemed so unacceptable to admit. I feel that I was often a burdensome friend and I apologize to the many people on whom I unloaded this.

I know I had stuff to work out (and did) to feel less needy. For instance, for a while in my early 40s I was a single mom--talk about needs: try being a single parent. Even though I was ostensibly more needy and, was, indeed, exhausted and overwhelmed much of the time, I felt much more able to look after myself (and my daughter) than I had in my 30s--part of that was having the strong purpose of being a good mother. By the time I entered into my relationship with Dave I had developed some skills which have served me well.

I am now much more able to ask for what I need in the moment. (I also chose a man who wants to be part of the relationship equation). If I need a hug, I ask for one. If I need to be held, I ask for it. If I need him to listen without commenting, I ask for that. I say when I'm feeling vulnerable. I still feel shame around certain emotions or behaviours, but I am often (if only eventually) able to admit it. In other words, instead of energetically and passively emitting my shit onto other people by not acknowledging first to myself what is going on with me, more and more I am able to own what I am going through and ask for what I need. I also try to take it in stride if I can't get what I ask for.

That was also a problem in my needy asshole stage. I mean who can or wants to look after a grown adult? But that's what I thought I needed, particularly in an emotional sense. I've always been resourceful and good at surviving, but I always felt so outside and so alone. I had to fall apart (a few times) and put myself back together to learn that I could support myself. I am still dealing with support issues. Del, my Gestalt therapist says to tell myself: I don't need support.

When Dave doesn't get my art or when I feel like I'm not finding the right people to help me with this project, for instance, I get that all alone feeling. Del says: a) one step at a time and b) do it for myself.
In my needy asshole stage, I would do a good deed but I would expect something back (i.e. I didn't just do it because I wanted to, there was always this idea of tit for tat). Not a good recipe for friendship. I put that on my friends, too. And I apologize for that, too. Lucky that I'm growing up (better late than never).

My Man Dave

Some of my students (I teach Speech at Lethbridge Community College) were very curious about what the Human Body Project event was like for Dave, the guy I live with and to whom I will be imminently married.

Okay, it's one thing to be me: intense, driven, out there. But I'm used to myself. I often sympathize with Dave for being the person who is with me. When I committed to doing this (i.e. it was no longer just an idea), we both freaked out I think. I was panic-stricken at the thought of being so exposed. He did not like the idea of sharing his woman that way.

When I understood where his discomfort was coming from it was easier for me. I had thought it was about him thinking I was crazy and I have big issues with being dismissed that way.

Looking at the tape and photos from the event makes me very happy that I am going to be the wife of this man. In his eyes I see real love, respect and support. How he felt hasn't been a big subject of conversation (I did ask but perhaps you hadn't heard about men and how they aren't overly motivated to talk about their feelings?). But I know that I am supported and it means a great deal to me. Maybe he'll comment about it on the blog one day.

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