Monday, May 5, 2008

No Medicine

Before and since the last event (a month ago now), I have been quite ill culminating in a really bad week last week. I am a lousy patient for many reasons. I feel a lot of shame about being ill period and shame about not actually appearing very ill (like those poor people on disability who were heckled by our charming ex-premier, Ralph Klein). Yeah, I know, I've stated that this is me, this is my body; but I can't quite shake this idea of being responsible and therefore culpable. On some level I do believe that I've created this in my life but I also know that I haven't figured it out and may never figure it out. It's a dilemma.

I'm also just not a patient person. I do not like to feel vulnerable. Being sick is a form of vulnerability. It's an area where one can exercise acceptance. There was a great feature in The Globe and Mail maybe last summer about people going through cancer. I was so amazed by how so many of them didn't complain. I complain. I do not suffer in silence. I am miserable. Struggle, struggle, struggle. When I'm sick, I'm just in it. It just aint pretty. I guess eventually I'll get beat and just give into it. I can't imagine what that actually looks like.

Anyway, I feel pretty normal these last couple of days! It's so cool to feel normal. Just, you know, awake and without the weight of lead in my being. I love the days of non-sick. I feel hope. It also helps me believe my last healing consultant. In the past, I had my team. But after years of not much progress, I've mainly just stuck with one person, Betty Dingreville. I've written before that she has an amazing intuitive ability and ability to move energy. I would not (nor would Betty herself) consider her the only possible facilitator of health for me. I believe the many different fields have something to offer--and I have tried them all. What I do find helpful about Betty is that when she explains what is going on, which she does on a holistic or whole person, energetic level, it makes sense to me.

Her take is that my body is letting go of old energy to heal; i.e to make way for more health and consciousness. Sometimes I believe this is true and sometimes I go through panicky, crabby doubts. It doesn't matter that much in the end. There isn't really any medicine for me to take.

I'm an interesting experiment of what I think health practices should look like: doctors working with intuitives and other allopathic practitioners--except, of course, no doctor in Alberta would be able or willing to meet with me and Betty. Insurance wouldn't allow it. But I have pioneered my own health strategy and cobbled together my own way. Let's hope my experiment is a big success. One thing I've wished I'd done is record all my sessions with Betty. They have been fascinating. But I can't even get around to editing my Human Body Project videos so it's just one of those things to let go of.

It's funny, Betty and I are both not looloo lala types. She especially is not your stereotypical healer lady. But I always fear when I mention these concepts that I lose people. Dave goes to Betty. He doesn't find what she says about "what's going on energetically" fascinating like I do, but he finds her work helpful.

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