Monday, September 13, 2010

VP of College Arrested for Child Porn: One of the Broken Trusts That Litter Our Landscape

I have been very busy since returning home from my Human Body Project tour and I have been processing my experiences like crazy. This morning I was thinking today might be the day I finally get around to sharing some of my new and beautiful (yay!) and inspiring (double yay!) insights.

And I may or may not do that here... maybe I'll just say I've moved from desperate to cheerful for a fair while which is a nice switch. A couple of women who were at Human Body Project events in Victoria talked about the experience as being liberating in a joyful sense. To which, I thought, no it isn't (I mean not for me). But in ways it would take me to long to explain, their appearance and energy and expression, as well as many others', has helped me move into a more liberated way of being. I want to say how grateful I am to all the beautiful people I met or spent time with in Calgary, Edmonton, and Victoria. The reverberations continue.

I will continue with Barb's testimony (previous blog post) soon.

What I want to focus on today is really up for me right now and has really shaken me and is very painful. In July, before I left Lethbridge, the longtime, recently retired vice-president of Lethbridge College, where I work, was arrested and charged with possessing, accessing and distributing child pornography. The examples reported were described as pre-teen hard core and the reported ages of the children involved ranged from 2-11 years old.

Though apparently an email from the president went around (my office mates and I, all casual instructors, don't remember receiving one) and, though the arrest was reported in the news, which I don't follow, I never heard a word about it until this past weekend.

As an aside, a comparative example: when an instructor was fired several years ago for having affairs with a few students, all of whom were over 18 (I believe they were all even over 21; I'm pretty sure there were only four of them and that no grades were involved) it was a topic of conversation and I got a steady stream of emails about issues relating to his indiscretions. (By the way, the currently charged ex-VP was LC's pointman to basically vilify the instructor who challenged the firing and is back teaching at LC.)

Of course, I was very disturbed and shocked by the allegations against the VP. But it wasn't until today when I finally had time to google the news reports ("Richard Buis charges" will do it) that I really became upset.

The news reports in early July quoted Tracy Edwards, LC college president, as saying:

"The college is deeply concerned about these charges; we participated in the confidential police investigation in the spring. We became involved because Rick is alleged to have kept some of the illegal material on his college laptop computer.
Members of the Senior Leadership Team are reviewing the situation and we do not believe there has been any activity that has put our staff, students or the reputation of the College at risk. The college has clear policies related to illegal or inappropriate use of college property, including computer equipment. It is not practical, nor do we believe it is appropriate, to closely monitor all college computer use. Our approach is to investigate when there is cause for concern. That being said, our computer and Internet use policies are in the process of being reviewed and updated.

I am sorry to report this disturbing and regrettable news. Lethbridge College is no different from other institutions in that we are made up of human beings who have issues in their personal lives. At times like this we need to rely on our values of trust and respect to guide our actions, and remind ourselves of the importance of maintaining a safe, positive, collaborative and sustaining environment for all students, staff and faculty members."

This statement really threw me. I cannot get past sexual abuse of real 2-11 year-old children being equated with "issues in our personal lives" or "regrettable news" or college computer security issues. How do we not mention the 2-11-year-olds that we all read about and get back to a safe, trusting, positive, collaborative environment? That's when I felt like I had been kicked in the guts. To me, saying nothing would have been better than this crafted response.

I emailed the president to ask her if I could talk to her in person about my very strong reaction to it. I didn't actually wait to check for her reply (which was pretty dismissive when I did read it) because I was sobbing in my office and decided to take that pain to hers.

What I ask myself is how bad does it have to get before the reaction goes from corporate to human? If Tracy Edwards is the corporate face of Lethbridge College--which, really, is her job and every other college president's job--who is the human face?

I was not calm in Tracy Edwards's office. I told her I was there because, from my perspective, Rick was an elder in our community who had betrayed all of us. And the community needed healing.

She reminded me that he no longer works at the college (he resigned in April, after being at the college for more than 20 years, with accolades from her accompanying his resignation as I recall) and that he is innocent until proven guilty (his court date is on Thursday). She also basically said the leadership team thought it best to move on because the damage is done.

This is the part I find most disturbing: she said I am the only person who has come forward to complain about the college's response, which, she felt indicated that there is no need for a different approach.

It must have been horrible for her to find out about this guy she has been working with for many years. And I appreciate that knowing what to do must have been a very tough call. But I can't agree with her--except for the incredible fact that I am the only one who has said anything!

This is not something that should be moved on from. Even if he is not guilty, I would have said the college community needs to grieve the very real feeling of deep betrayal and the possible horror of sexual abuse of small children by a supposedly trusted and respected leader of the institution. (I will not hear the argument that users don't actually abuse children in pornography--these are real children.) If, as we are constantly notified at-all-news-is-good-news LC, we are a community, shouldn't we actually be one? I believe the grief of this must be addressed as a community and those 2-11-year-old children must be honoured.

I also wonder about stuff like how to continue working there and who is the human face of any institution and the broken trusts that litter our landscape...

Friday, September 10, 2010

"Vulnerability, the Key to Freedom" written by Barb Lengyel

This beautiful, heartfelt piece was written more than 20 years ago by Barb Lengyel for sharing her testimony as a member of the Women's Aglow Christian organization. Barb is 63 and has been the care-giver to my daughter Sophia for three years and has become part of my family. I feel very honoured that she shared this with me. I asked her if she would mind if I posted it on my blog to share with others and she agreed.

One of the reasons I chose the topic, being vulnerable the key to freedom, is because I have just walked through it and realized how very much the body of Christ needs to deal with this issue in order to be set free from the past.

It is a hard thing to do and even harder to talk about, but the enemy likes to keep us in chains using anything he can to keep us in bondage. The word vulnerable means to be "open to be wounded, no self-protection" and the word openness in Webster's dictionary states we permit "unobstructed entrance or exit. Not closed, not covered, clogged or shut. A state which permits freedom of view. A lack of pretence. Expanded as an open book."

Openness is more of an attitude than an action. It is a feeling we give to other people that we are willing to share our hearts, our real selves down inside without fear.

It is a willingness to risk disclosing ourselves which always brings with it risks of being misunderstood, criticized, hurt, rejected or judged but because we are growing in our capacity to trust God and His love for us, we are willing to trust ourselves to one another.

Honesty and truthfulness are critical in our pursuit of God.

I could never have done this six months ago, but as usual God's timing is always perfect and His love for us much greater than the past and all of the walls we build around ourselves for fear of being hurt or rejected.

My mom was barely a teenager when she had me. A baby having a baby. It didn't matter what she did, according to my grandmother it wasn't good enough. That made my mom feel very insecure and unfortunately I grew up feeling very unworthy and unloved. I was the child who was always bubbly and happy. No one knowing the crush of my heart on the inside. I learned from very young to hide things and put up walls that no one knew about, but my heart ached constantly. I wanted to feel loved and protected.

My parents tried the best way they knew how to bring up myself and my two brothers. I appreciate that. As kids themselves it must have been hard.

When I was a young girl I was molested by someone. I never told a soul for fear of being rejected or not being believed. Another wall went up in my heart. I vowed at a very young age no one would ever hurt me again nor would I trust anyone.

I went to church and bible camp in my younger years. I loved going.

It was very legalistic though and we were told every Sunday if we didn't get saved we were going to hell. I was always the first one at the the altar time and time again but was not sure what salvation meant. I thought God was this giant in heaven who would punish me if I did anything wrong.

My misconception of God was extremely bizarre to say the least. I would look outside at night and if there were stars in the sky I knew He wasn't coming to get me but if it was really dark I trembled in fear.
I have no idea where that thought came from. I wanted to follow the Lord but who was He?

As I became a teenager I decided to have a good time because I was going to get struck by lightning anyway. My mom and dad were strict with me because I was a girl so my curfew time was really early.

Well there was one way of getting around that. I would get married and I could do what I wanted. (Talk about walking in rebellion.) So I married the first guy that asked me and at the young age of 18 I became a wife. What a shock I was in for. He was a farmer and here I was stuck on a farm. I didn't drive so saw nothing but cows for days on end. I couldn't do what I wanted either.

For the first year I was happy. I had a beautiful baby girl named Michelle. She was the highlight of my life and I was content to stay at home and be a mom.

It was after that things went terribly wrong. My husband had an affair so I packed up Michelle and left.

He talked me into coming back and I had two more children, Shawn and Jason.

After, the abuse started. I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused.

I felt helpless, scared and paranoid of everything. I had no self-worth and was put down so bad I was a little less than a worm crawling on the ground.

When he came home drunk he would hit me. I had a place cleaned out that used to be our chicken coop and slept there or under the kids' beds so I wouldn't be found.
This led to 10 years of hell and no self-esteem at all. Resentment filled my heart.

I finally decided to leave before I ended up killing myself. I packed up the kids but Michelle wouldn't come with me. No matter how hard I tried or what I said she was staying with her dad. She was at the age where she could decide so I had to leave her behind. The rejection I felt was overwhelming, again another wall went around my heart.

The boys and I moved to Coaldale without her. I got a job at McLennan's bowling alley and tried to pick up the pieces of my life.

One night I got a call from my babysitter at work telling me my ex-husband came in and left with the boys. I called the police immediately but they said there was nothing they could do. For three weeks I did not know where my boys were. I could not cope with this. How could this happen? Where was this God everyone told me was so good and loved me? Was He really the God with the iron rod and the big stick in His hand?

A friend of mine came into where I worked and said her church would fast and pray for me and that my boys would return by Sunday. They also prayed for my salvation.

To my amazement the boys were brought back on that Sunday. A church I never knew had prayed just for me. I did not know this kind of love existed. Was the Lord real and did He love me?
After this happened I moved into Lethbridge and started attending this church.

My friend called one night and asked me to go to a Buzz Gertsen concert. He was up there yodelling, singing and everyone was clapping their hands to the music. Out of nowhere I started to cry and could not stop. I told my friend I didn't know why I was crying so much. She said Holy Spirit was convicting me.

I went up for prayer after the concert and a very special lady, Marie M., led me to the Lord and I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit. From that moment on she was my spiritual mom.

Only the Lord knew what was about to happen and how very much I would need her and Bud to see me through the next tragedy.
I came home from work one day to find my kids gone again. They had decided dad could give them all the gifts in the world and mom couldn't. I called my lawyer and he told me there was nothing I could do. If I fought for them I would lose custody and if I didn't I would lose them anyway. That same day I had lost my job. The rejection again was overwhelming.

I sat in my living room the next day as my ex-husband came into the house and took everything away. I watched in amazement as beds, toys, clothes and my kids walked out the door. Again I was left with nothing. Self-pity and worthlessness filled my heart.

It was at this time the Lord surrounded me with a physical presence of His love. I was totally encased with the peace that passes all understanding.

(To be continued.)

Friday, September 3, 2010

"I would rather cut my skin:" A couple of my current running thoughts


I saw Hubble with the kids. I cried. Our perfect beautiful fragile tiny tiny tiny earth; the beautiful perfect fragile girlies watching raptly; and important scientists thinking technology is the only answer and looking at outer galaxies will uncover the secrets to the universe. We have the frickin secret and all the technology in the world and so what? My fragile tiny being explodes with the obviousness/oblivion of it.

I realized here in Victoria that I would rather cut my skin than finish my M Ed within the boundaries I have been given. I totally get people who cut themselves. I also get people who cut themselves off. Words are not adequate for the area I occupy.

"I have viewed the streets, perhaps an analog to life... as an adversary:" from Kevin, an Edmonton participant

This likely belongs on a blog of my own (that no one in particular would follow.) but i started it as a post on your facebook wall before it grew into a monster of an email.

I Had a really emotional day today. Had a late brunch with my wife and had a bout of anxiety (don't know what caused it, maybe thought related stressors, maybe high blood pressure, which I do struggle with.). Went furniture shopping after (returning student at age 33). My wife, bless her, was driving and we were turning onto a busy road where I noticed there were a couple cars stopped... An accident. I warned here to change lanes and avoid. As we slowly passed, we saw two men, the drivers of either cars, in each others faces. Though there appeared to be no damage to either cars (likely a low speed bumper kiss), these two men decide to trade profanities (asshole) and insults (learn how to fuckin drive) loud enough to be heard by passers by, then play road rage games after they disconnected.

I am reminded of the show you did, Tasha, where you brought the two balloons in, symbolizing your two children. You mentioned on your way in someone from MY community having blown their horn on you. You questioned the how and why of someone doing that. At that show, that night, I heard you and sympathized. The next day, I was on the freeway and a minivan (what a family of four would perhaps drive) wasn't efficiently merging from Sherwood park onto the highway I use. I cursed, honked, and whipped around that driver onto the freeway. It dawned on me before I passed the minivan that this could be you and that the ass you spoke have could easily have be me (metaphorically, as I wasn't in the vicinity the day prior) I could not bring myself to look at the driver as s(he) passed.

For many years now I have viewed the streets, perhaps an analog to life, in Alberta as an adversary. Buckle up and best your opponents. It is one of the components of life that I have been trying to change in the last few months. Thank you, Tasha, for helping me bring it home. We should not allow ourselves to disconnect from community simply in struggle to attain personal goals, regardless of how small (getting somewhere on time) or large ( world peace, corporate dominion).

I really hope that it was not you that day on the road, but I think I owe you (directly or as a proxy) an apology.

This started as a reply to one of your facebook posts, but turned out too long to torture our facebook followers.

Thank you for challenging me to better myself!
Kevin

"she makes a decision to use her gifts, to stay connected:" Writing From A Recent Participant In Victoria

There is a naked woman standing before me. speaking. She wears a pair of glasses and her skin. a mother and a speaker and a doer and a lover and a power. She is quiet and draws upon her strength. the strength of the divine. she approaches 50 as she raises her daughters.

Love
moves through
makes us vulnerable
she makes a decision to use her gifts, to stay connected
she grounds herself. Is silent. Is whole. is alive. is beautiful.

we should all take our clothes off. be vulnerable except those of us who bleed, and bleed, and bleed, and bleed: could be messy. could be red and brown and messy.

judgement. Now there's a word. I also feel judged. as I go about my life, as I hold my lover's hand, as I speak with my mom on the phone, as I think about my family in their various states of knowing me. As I post my status on Facebook, I squirm within the boundaries of propriety and expectation.

despair, health, fixing self
insights. sharing. thinking
her will. her feelings.breaking of the spirit.

masculine energy overpowers life--an outdated paradigm

accepting the self
creating the space
what does visceral mean?
ted.com re "the missing girl"
emotions, grief, pain of Christmas                                                                                                  take a drug + be happy?
feeling stuck
living what's true

my stomach churns. tears prick behind my eyes, aching to spill over, to run down my cheeks, to fall to the ground.