Wednesday, July 19, 2006

SICK... useless to resist

How does one be sick gracefully? I have not mastered it. How do I even write about it? When you're sick life becomes very very narrow. I don't want to talk to anybody. I feel trapped. I feel angry. I shut down. I get depressed. There is not a lot of joy going on. I feel guilty for being a useless mother. I want to punch someone but there's no one to punch. I feel annoyed with Dave for not doing more and guilty because he's doing so much.

Most of all I feel overwhelmingly nauseous and drained. There is almost no room for anything else.
Yes, I went on diclectin and it did not work. I was knocked out without getting any nausea relief. Yesterday my doctor gave me another prescription. I haven't read about the drug yet. I feel unenthusiastic about trying it. (I think the baby is a boy and boys have more problems with autism and ADD and no one really knows what causes those and who is to say it's not anti-nausea drugs?)

Yesterday I also bought some raspberry leaf tea which some reports say eases nausea and some reports say causes. I seem to be in the category of causes. It tasted like something my body needed but then not long after drinking it I felt more nauseous. I'm going to try a smaller amount and see what that does.

But there comes a point when I just have to say: I'm sick, I'm going to be sick for a while it looks like and it's useless to resist. I'm not going on holiday to Victoria, I'm not going to edit my video, I'm not going to be involved in the business of day to day living. Part of me can be grateful that it's me who is sick not my daughter. There's nothing worse than having to watch a kid suffer. And since I don't actually throw up, I'm eating and the growing baby is probably just fine.But I feel guilt about my lack of happiness. In fact, if someone would have told me I'd be this sick, I'd have taken a pass on the whole thing. I've just had enough of sick, you know? I often feel I can't take anymore but it's quite obvious that I can.

I really believe everything happens for spiritual reasons. But being the thick human that I am, I cannot often accept or understand what these might be. During this time of nausea I have had that all too human feeling of being completely forsaken. If I didn't have Claire and Dave I would want to die. It amazes me how quickly I have gone from happiness to despair in these last few weeks. I say it's useless to resist but I sense there is more surrendering I need to do here... just let myself be sick and let go of whatever it is that makes me judge myself so harshly for feeling like this.

1 comment:

  1. Funny how living in the present makes perspective so bloody impossible - and at a time when perspective is all a woman can cling to in order to make the suffering feel "worth it". Damn, Tasha...I'm sorry you're feeling so rotten.

    While I was one of the lucky ones, in that I never endured the nightmare you are enduring...I am THEE biggest emetephobe I know. Yes, there is a name for 'the fear of vomiting', and I have found it. My doctor didn't even know what it was until I informed him. So, pregnant or not...your pain does not fall on deaf or unsympathetic ears (or eyes, as it were!).

    Hold on, Tasha. This too shall pass...even if it feels like eternity is spinning above your head like a green toilet bowl...

    Screw happy until you're ready to feel it again - take comfort that at least this is an eventuality to look forward to! You're earning every second of it, right now! :)

    Best best best,