Sunday, July 23, 2006

The Bully Within (still swearing)

To refer to a few blogs ago, I know I did say bring it on and another time I imparted that I had some understanding that my sickness is related to old, fucked up beliefs. So here I am a whole consecutive month into feeling like complete shit and what can I say? If I could run, I would. I'm not actually noble about healing. (People used to always comment on my restricted diet or my doing yoga--both of which I no longer bother with--like I was somehow virtuous; here's the big secret: I JUST WANT TO FEEL BETTER). But there's nowhere to run and I do still believe that my sickness is evidence of my dysfunctional belief system or, another way of putting it, holding onto past energy.

(Betty, the healer, says that babies are very pure energies so the pure energy of the growing baby is pointing out to me where my own energy is still stale and stuck.)

So I was being very hard on myself for NOT FIGURING IT OUT. And I was very angry with myself for CREATING MY OWN SICKNESS because I do believe that on a spiritual level that is what I am doing. Needless to say, this attitude has not helped me.

My name is Tasha and I am a fucked up human being. I've always thought support groups like AA and OA need to evolve. It's not about alcohol or overeating. Those are definite outward signs of trouble but hanging onto that idea of addiction is very limiting. What caused the addiction in the first place? It's about not being able to love ourselves. Not in the shallow Oprah sense of getting a nice dress and going to a spa and deciding he's not that into you. In a deep, compassionate sense. You have to be the Mother Teresa (or at least the popular image we have of her not the Christopher Hitchens version) to yourself, no matter how actually or metaphorically smelly or deformed you are.

I struggle with loving this person who is me. I have come to a realization that I will never heal without loving myself the way that I love Claire, for instance. So for starters I am letting myself off the hook for not yet having a conscious understanding of why I get so sick. I am trying to stop bullying myself and letting myself be more gentle to this sick and troubled person who is me. I am open to letting insight arrive whenever it does and not telling myself it's all my fault and I SHOULD be smarter. Healing has to be gentle and respectful (hence the fucked-upness of the medical system).

I've been vaguely, though painfully, following news of Lebanon this last week or so. More bullying tactics. More violence. When has it ever solved anything? In my own little microcosm of misery, it sure isn't working.

Honestly, I don't know if it is doable, this loving myself thing. It's just that I know of no escape from the pain of this route except suicide and that's not a choice I desire to make. So on I plod.

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