The Bully Within (still swearing)

To refer to a few blogs ago, I know I did say bring it on and another time I imparted that I had some understanding that my sickness is related to old, fucked up beliefs. So here I am a whole consecutive month into feeling like complete shit and what can I say? If I could run, I would. I'm not actually noble about healing. (People used to always comment on my restricted diet or my doing yoga--both of which I no longer bother with--like I was somehow virtuous; here's the big secret: I JUST WANT TO FEEL BETTER). But there's nowhere to run and I do still believe that my sickness is evidence of my dysfunctional belief system or, another way of putting it, holding onto past energy.

(Betty, the healer, says that babies are very pure energies so the pure energy of the growing baby is pointing out to me where my own energy is still stale and stuck.)

So I was being very hard on myself for NOT FIGURING IT OUT. And I was very angry with myself for CREATING MY OWN SICKNESS because I do believe that on a spiritual level that is what I am doing. Needless to say, this attitude has not helped me.

My name is Tasha and I am a fucked up human being. I've always thought support groups like AA and OA need to evolve. It's not about alcohol or overeating. Those are definite outward signs of trouble but hanging onto that idea of addiction is very limiting. What caused the addiction in the first place? It's about not being able to love ourselves. Not in the shallow Oprah sense of getting a nice dress and going to a spa and deciding he's not that into you. In a deep, compassionate sense. You have to be the Mother Teresa (or at least the popular image we have of her not the Christopher Hitchens version) to yourself, no matter how actually or metaphorically smelly or deformed you are.

I struggle with loving this person who is me. I have come to a realization that I will never heal without loving myself the way that I love Claire, for instance. So for starters I am letting myself off the hook for not yet having a conscious understanding of why I get so sick. I am trying to stop bullying myself and letting myself be more gentle to this sick and troubled person who is me. I am open to letting insight arrive whenever it does and not telling myself it's all my fault and I SHOULD be smarter. Healing has to be gentle and respectful (hence the fucked-upness of the medical system).

I've been vaguely, though painfully, following news of Lebanon this last week or so. More bullying tactics. More violence. When has it ever solved anything? In my own little microcosm of misery, it sure isn't working.

Honestly, I don't know if it is doable, this loving myself thing. It's just that I know of no escape from the pain of this route except suicide and that's not a choice I desire to make. So on I plod.

SICK... useless to resist

How does one be sick gracefully? I have not mastered it. How do I even write about it? When you're sick life becomes very very narrow. I don't want to talk to anybody. I feel trapped. I feel angry. I shut down. I get depressed. There is not a lot of joy going on. I feel guilty for being a useless mother. I want to punch someone but there's no one to punch. I feel annoyed with Dave for not doing more and guilty because he's doing so much.

Most of all I feel overwhelmingly nauseous and drained. There is almost no room for anything else.
Yes, I went on diclectin and it did not work. I was knocked out without getting any nausea relief. Yesterday my doctor gave me another prescription. I haven't read about the drug yet. I feel unenthusiastic about trying it. (I think the baby is a boy and boys have more problems with autism and ADD and no one really knows what causes those and who is to say it's not anti-nausea drugs?)

Yesterday I also bought some raspberry leaf tea which some reports say eases nausea and some reports say causes. I seem to be in the category of causes. It tasted like something my body needed but then not long after drinking it I felt more nauseous. I'm going to try a smaller amount and see what that does.

But there comes a point when I just have to say: I'm sick, I'm going to be sick for a while it looks like and it's useless to resist. I'm not going on holiday to Victoria, I'm not going to edit my video, I'm not going to be involved in the business of day to day living. Part of me can be grateful that it's me who is sick not my daughter. There's nothing worse than having to watch a kid suffer. And since I don't actually throw up, I'm eating and the growing baby is probably just fine.But I feel guilt about my lack of happiness. In fact, if someone would have told me I'd be this sick, I'd have taken a pass on the whole thing. I've just had enough of sick, you know? I often feel I can't take anymore but it's quite obvious that I can.

I really believe everything happens for spiritual reasons. But being the thick human that I am, I cannot often accept or understand what these might be. During this time of nausea I have had that all too human feeling of being completely forsaken. If I didn't have Claire and Dave I would want to die. It amazes me how quickly I have gone from happiness to despair in these last few weeks. I say it's useless to resist but I sense there is more surrendering I need to do here... just let myself be sick and let go of whatever it is that makes me judge myself so harshly for feeling like this.

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Self-pity (with lots of swear words)

July 9. I haven't written a blog entry for a while for a few reasons. In June there was a lot going on. On June 10, Dave and I got married. A little before that we discovered that I am pregnant. I was finishing up a school term in June. And on June 24 the Southern Alberta Art Gallery opened the group show, Current, in which there is a Human Body Project installation.

Joy, joy, joy, the wedding was great. Becoming pregnant WAS great. But, oh my GOD, since right around June 24, I have been so sick I am beyond miserable. I wanted to savour creating life in my body, celebrate that I'm going to be a mommy again. Overwhelming nausea will put a damper on this sort of expectation. I feel like complete shit. I can barely cope with breathing much less looking after a kid or talking to my husband. I mean I am not functioning. I am an invalid.

Luckily I have no job at the moment. I was enrolled in a class at the U of L (I happen to be a student in the Fine Arts program at that esteemed institution... more on this some other time) but had to drop it. Instead of enjoying, I am deep, and I mean deep in the depths of self-pity. I am so sick of being sick I would like to destroy something but what?

I've written about my health before. I find it interesting how much beauty I have been able to create for myself but that last holy grail of physical health just stays out of my reach. I have also written about how I understand on some level that my health problems are spiritually related, both in terms of my own core beliefs and in terms of what my healer, Betty, says is my job of moving energy for other people. Bring it on, I said.

FUCK that. After I write this I'm going downstairs to beat up the bed. (Use a yoga mat; it feels like a whip and a bat. Hit something not animate; I use the bed in the basement. It feels like you're beating someone to shit without actually beating someone to shit.) What the fuck, it beats the self-pity I've been wallowing in (along with my nausea) for the last few weeks.

(Aside: while I've been advised by many people not to swear so much in my writing for this project I just don't give a fuck at the moment.)

I don't buy that it's "normal" for women to get debilitatingly nauseous in the first months of being pregnant. Something in our energy system/belief system contributes to this. And what Betty says, that I move energy for other people, if you felt as bad as I do as much of the time as I do, it would make sense to you too. Talk about thankless tasks. Well, fuck whoever I'm moving energy for. Move your own fucking energy, you lazy trash.

I am just flailing and struggling like a bug on a pin here. Will I go on drugs like so many helpful people suggest? There is a drug called diclectin for nausea in pregnant women. It is antihistamine-based. Antihistamines makes me pass out from grogginess. But I have an appointment with my doctor in two days and I may try it anyway.

I fucking hate this.