I'm the kind of person who often needs to think out loud. This blog is a place where I am doing something like that.
Once I heard Ruby Dee describe Spike Lee as someone who was growing up out loud. For better or worse, I am doing the same thing. In one of Maragaret Cho's comedy videos she talks about the phrase "don't go there." I've often thought about that same phrase and thought the exact same thing she talks about, what do you do when you're already "there?" Don't go there? Sorry, I'm in it past my eyeballs, a bit too late for that little piece of advice.
I am a messed up person. I don't find it necessary to keep this a secret. Pretty much every person I've ever met also appears messed up in one way or another. Every once in a while I'll meet someone who seems to really know how to care for her/himself, but that is a rare occurrence. Not messed up looks like this: a person at peace with her/himself. Name any people you know who fall into this category. If you actually know any, I bet they are more attractive than Jessica Simpson.
What I'm saying makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I make a lot of people uncomfortable. I put people on the spot. Not everyone is "there" or interested in "going there." I get that. Sometimes I am irritated by it, sometimes I'm not so bothered. But, for myself, there is no going back. Whether I like it or not, I am the queen of noticers. I'm always noticing how uncomfortable I am (see, I make myself uncomfortable too). I'm always trying to figure out what the discomfort is about. And, while I often find other people's messed up shit a good place to lay the blame, in the end my discomfort is always teaching me about my own messed-upness.
So this blog is a place where I plod along and write about plodding along in this process of discovery--a seemingly endless and continual process. I should add a crucial point: each time that I gain awareness of new depths of my mess, I shed some of it. There is a purpose to what I'm sure many people would term my navel gazing:
-I believe we have been granted a great gift in being alive
-For many years I hated being alive
-I now love my life
-I believe we can live lives of joy
-I want one
What I am doing in my life, in my art, in my relationships, is the only way for me to create a life of joy. In the last few months, particularly since the first Human Body Project event, I have gone through many changes, more than I've been able to write about in this blog. But one profound one has been a stronger feeling of physical health. I have had a much stronger experience in my own body of how old worn-out beliefs affect my health (and this has led me to be able to shed some of them).
This process of the relationship of physical health to deeply held beliefs is a difficult one to write about for several reasons, one being that it is not something I can explain in a linear, intellectual way. Another issue being that our harmful beliefs often originate in our families and I doubt mine is interested in me writing about how I deal with them in therapy. Another is the idea of blaming the victim. I will only speak for myself and say that lately I better understand how my energy has been very adversely affected by ingrained beliefs about how I thought I was supposed to be. I will try to expand more on this later.
Another reason I'm writing this blog is for the same reason I'm doing the Human Body Project. There are other people out there who also want to get beyond their messed up shit and feel a joyous connection to their physical existence. This is my way of reaching out. It may ramble and I probably repeat myself, some days are going to be better than others... it is what it is.