I am back in mother vs jobby/stuff-I-need-to-do mode. I was wondering, as I trudged down to the computer when I remembered my daily vow, how Julie (in Julie and Julia) worked at the Twin Towers victims' hotline and then managed to make at least one but usually two of Julia Child's recipes every night and then write a blog about it.
Then I thought: a) no kids and b) lives in NYC where shopping does not require a person to go to a heinous, fluorescently lit, poorly and surly staffed, nightmare acre of a store to get one's provisions.
I would love someone to give me an instruction booklet on how to be a mom and be the other things at the same time. The mom thing is hard enough, right? I am one of those parents who is exploring what is beyond bossing your kids around and ignoring their feelings, which is my quick bloggy, possibly unskillful way of describing the 60s/70s childhoods I saw and experienced. I am also 48 years old and the mother of a not yet 3-year-old and an 8-year-old. I am sleep deprived. I am tired!
I have found that little interference and being honest are my ways of dealing. This includes letting them fight, letting them eat what they want, being crabby, not curbing my swearing. E.g. Oh for fuck's sake, what is it with people and swearing? (I do not swear at them but I do find that swearing is expressive language that cheers me right up.) Etc. I feel extremely idiotic and unskillful at this job.
Then throw in all the other stuff: teacher (love it but it requires time and commitment); wifeyness to my husband (he always gets the short stick); the Human Body Project (so many things on my mind, like update the fucking website already!, and not enough time to do them... a brain energy burden); the house and laundry and shopping (in heinous, fluorescently lit, poorly and surly staffed, nightmare acres of stores) and cooking and driving kids to lessons; and then that horrible fucking academic albatross, the M Ed!
I am not good at compartmentalizing. And my multi-tasking days seem to be over. I find it difficult to focus. I want things to flow more. I want spontaneity. My kids need it too, from me and for themselves. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.