Thursday, October 12, 2006

Self-loathing, stuck, no pregnant HBP events

Some good news. It's started to sink in that I'm getting a beautiful baby at the end of this ordeal. (A girl according to the ultrasound). I'm also sort of better at being sick. A little tiny bit more accepting that this is simply how it is. If I want to read frickin mystery books to cope, well then I'll read frickin mystery books (I recommend Ian Rankin, Dan Fesperman and Peter Robinson... any other suggestions are welcome.)

I have been a cow to my husband, though. This is what has also sunk in: I have deep unresolved feelings of self-loathing. They don't come from a rational place but from a deep, unreachable place that seems to reemerge as I go along; sort of a two steps forward, one step back kind of thing (or God, I hope the resulting movement is forward. I do look back on my life and see some sort of progress but where I am today looks distressingly stuck and fucked up). I have been working on peeling this onion for years. And, I suppose, to extend the metaphor, as you get closer to the centre the layers get more crowded and more difficult to peel away.

Anyway, my current bout of self-loathing spills over into my relationship with Dave. Anything I see in him that reminds me of my shit irritates the hell out of me, I guess because he's handy. This is the poor shmuck who is compassionately looking after his sick, pregnant wife. I am not proud of myself; in fact I know I'm a big asshole. The guy definitely deserves better and I did mention he could take his love to town, though decent fellow that he is, he still comes home at night.

Self-loathing, where does it come from? I saw another energy-worker/healer lady last week (Who knew there were so many in this backward, conservative little city? I have continued to consult with many practitioners of different healing modalities including the more mainstream ones; to what avail I am uncertain). She felt that I had a past life that was interfering with this one and worked on clearing that energy.

I am not overly invested in past life theories but I have often thought that the pain I've suffered in this life seems out of proportion to what I have lived. I do believe in the idea of karma, not just what goes around comes around, but that you are born into this world with what I call gunk (or old energies).

Oh my God, the gunk that is still attached to me! The self-loathing is just there. I can intellectualize all I want about how unworthy I am for such harsh treatment but it's just there like grotesque goop attached to my skin. Like I said, you can peel that onion but there are so many layers. It does feel like I must be closer to the centre, though, because there are just so few breaks lately.
I used to deal with my gunk by drinking, binging, antidepressants, etc., now I use mystery books. This is part of the excellent progress to which I refer. I'm still stubborn enough to think that those old ways hindered more than helped my progress (and, more to the point, they all stopped working) but I wish I had something stronger than mystery books to put me out of my misery for a while. Anyone know an exorcist?

(I also believe that while we allow other people to be less than and while so many people in the world are so lost, none of us can really be completely okay. And maybe that's the human condition, but what a stupid fucking condition, if I may just opine about it briefly.)

Another thing: I'm 45, as of a couple of weeks ago. I want to believe that getting older does not have to mean getting weaker but it seems that in my continuing gunkiness, I am just not as resilient to life on earth as I was when I was younger. If I am lucky enough to shed some of this deep karmic goop, I think I might be able to achieve health, old or not. Since I have been consciously working on this since the early 90s, the jury's way out on that ever happening.

I also know that every pregnancy differs. I was old for a pregnant lady (39 and 40) during my last one too but I felt better during that pregnancy than I had in years--it really was a miraculous break from the gunk. I so looked forward to that experience again. Disappointment.

I am stuck, stuck, stuck. Needless to say, doing a pregnant Human Body Project event is the last thing on my mind. The Human Body Project right now is me growing a baby and occasionally writing about what I'm going through. I can't work myself up to care about doing another event even though I know using my pregnant body would be powerful. I just can't do it (unless some huge shift occurs soon... unlikely). It's been very difficult, however, to say I'm not going to do it. I'm really having a hard time letting myself off the hook.

So I'll say it: Barring some huge shift in my health situation, there will be no pregnant Human Body Project event. Also, whatever the Human Body Project is or will become, besides this blog, is unknown. Same goes for me, I suppose.

1 comment:

  1. I went to bed and laid there a while not being able to sleep. My mind is always on the go. I was taking inventory of my day and my speech class. How I enjoy listening to the other students speak. Then my thoughts went to a comment you made on one of the students speech about how growing up and becoming an adult is difficult. You stated that even at this age it's difficult. Amen sister!! I wanted to say in support of your comment.

    So here I went to check out your latest blog. I enjoy true stories and I get to read your's as life unfolds. What a privledge. I get to hear your deepest sense of emotions and soul searching with a dash of reality and a toss of the tongue. Well, it sounds like you have a little spiritual indigestion and you need a good burp! ha! I laughed out loud about the exorcist comment!! Wouldn't that be great to just burp up a demon.......I hope your laughing and not offended. I got on a roll and it's late........ok.

    Well, here's my take on where your at (not that you need my advice or input, cause it could all mean nothing to you). I think it's interesting you had an idea to do the human body project, in the first place, with a mind to express and share in a creative way. Only to discover your pregnancy derailed the original plan. I'm not so sure the human body project got derailed or placed down. Maybe the plan shifted in another venue but you just haven't caught on yet?? Art and expression of art is expressed in many different ways. It's not only visually experienced but it's expressed with words so one feels it right to the inner man in each of us. Your deep sincere, expressive, revealing words are exposing your human body project and journey of you pregnancy so our spiritual eyes see something that is bare, pure, true and beautiful.......sick guts and all.

    You're an artist. And a beautiful one at that! Bringing us back in a sense to the inner child we are baring.....male or female it makes no difference. We all have something at some point we must carry and bare and alot of times something that is sooooo worth while offers great difficulties before the blessing comes. You started one way and maybe finish another.

    Artists are very feeling, egotistical and needing much nuturing and encouragement. They are peculuar people, most people don't understand them. They are the creators, music makers, painters, writers, designers of sorts, risk takers, unusually unique in thought, dinamic and so much more. They place the colour in the black outline, and make it speak without words. How giving artist are of themeselves if people only take a moment to receive.

    I received and am enjoying your human body project.
    Thank you,