Ambivalence

I feel physically better but not physically well. Rather than constant nausea and severe achiness and fatigue, it's more like ongoing indigestion and torpor. I am not in a positive state of mind. I find it difficult to feel passionate about anything; I've lost conviction. I cared about this project deeply. At the moment, I do not. Being so sick made me question everything and I have reached no conclusions.

I wonder what actually makes me happy besides enjoying my daughter. It has occurred to me that I do almost everything I do out of some sense of responsibility or duty and I'm no longer feeling that obligation. I want to have fun and find myself ill-equipped for such a program.

It feels like I crave nothingness. I realize I have to take it easy and stop pushing myself. It simply feels impossible to continue to hurry. To this end I dropped out school at the U of L and am only teaching one class at the college. I have nothing that wants to go into these gaps of time. I read a bit. Almost nothing moves me.

Some of my new feeble/gentle/word? approach feels perhaps what might be termed healthy. I had an interesting meeting this week with two people with whom I have a disagreement. They could be employers or instructors of mine in the sense that they have created part of my permanent employee/student record that I believe does not accurately reflect what I deserve. I laid out many reasoned arguments in a calm manner to support my case. They had not much to counter mine except to say they would not change their minds. I said okay.

I came, I spoke, they heard. C'est la vie. Skipped the whole conquering part. None of my fights ever get me anywhere anyway. Half the time people don't even know I'm fighting with them, they're just doing whatever works for them.

I'm planning to have two more Human Body Project events while I'm pregnant. One in Lethbridge at a date to be announced (probably mid-November) and one in Calgary on the night of December 2 at the Green Fools Theatre in Inglewood. Hard to organize when I don't want to do anything but I feel I would regret not taking advantage of using my pregnant body.